Chapter 168: You don't want me

Xie Qingcheng numb for a long time, before finally realizing that he originally fell in tears.

That feeling is strange.

So, he thought sluggishly, he still sheds tears, does he?

His heart was finally full, loaded with indigestible emotions that poured out in teardrops he didn't want to fall.

It's too cowardly.

He wanted to.

It's so sad.

He was thirty-three years old, a man of that age, for what had he been driven to this point? He didn't like the label of weakness on him, he always wanted to be tough, an elder who could give unlimited trust, but it was one night, just one night.

It's all ruined.

At this moment, he suddenly felt infinitely tired, he seemed to have walked a long, long road, holding on alone for a long, long time, he wanted to get rid of all the thorns on this road in a limited time, so that the people he protected could step onto a straight path after he left.

He wanted to teach them how they should move on.

In the guise of a reliable older brother.

But he became, in the eyes of his descendants, a homosexual who served men with his sex and shamelessly entangled himself with boys.

He became a hypocrite in the eyes of his descendants, a man who could be toyed with at will, a hypocrite in the eyes of his descendants, a hypocrite in the eyes of his descendants.

Xie Qingcheng was held by He Yu without lifting a hand to break away from him, and he was so terribly calm that He Yu did not dare to go crazy again. Finally he said, tear-stained, almost numb, "Let go, He Yu."

"...... I knew you liked me, and I thought I could control your feelings. It was I who overestimated myself. Instead of pulling you up, I went down with you ...... I should have stayed away from your side the day I knew you liked me. I thought I could let you down slowly, but really I just let you fall deeper and deeper and gave you unnecessary hope."

I even let myself fall into it.

"It's my ego."

"Time and time again, I made errors in judgment, and time and time again, I hurt you. It's my own fault for ending up in this situation."

He Yu shook his head, having long been sobbing.

Xie Qingcheng slowly rolled his eyes and dropped his gaze onto his face, only for his eyes to remain unfocused.

"...... You always seem to be more sad than happy after being with me, you hardly ever cried before but now you always shed tears in front of me."

He Yu wiped his tears away with all his might and rasped, "No, Xie. I ...... am happy every day I am with you, I ......"

"And will you still be happy now that you're like this?"

"......"

"We have to face this day, He Yu." Xie Qingcheng's voice was like a pool of stagnant water with no ripples, "Think about it, I'm a divorced, thirteen years older than you, and I've never been a homosexual. I am ......"

He paused for a moment, then clenched his back teeth before struggling to get the words out that once upon a time even he was ashamed to admit to himself.

"I had that relationship with you because I was drugged and blacked out by you, and then I slowly became what I am today. Do you remember that?"

He Yu was as if he had been slapped hard, and could not answer any words at once.

"Do you think I'll accept you?"

Xie Qingcheng said, so wooden, so cold, and so broken, digging out the pieces of his heart, bit by bit, with blood, and presenting them piece by piece in front of He Yu.

"And you know it, after I spent that night with you at the clubhouse, I kept having nightmares, I woke up every single day I felt incredibly sick, I'm a man ...... He Yu, I'm a fucking man! I didn't send you in then because I couldn't pull my face off, I'm not gay."

He Yu's scarlet eyes were moist, "So you think I am?"

"......"

"Do you think I am, Shea?"

He hugged him and couldn't stop asking him that.

"Do you think I am? ......"

The voice was so helpless, so humble.

Xie Qingcheng doesn't want to hear any more.

He had never thought of reopening the old scores of the Empty Nights with He Yu before, and those wounds he had received, he had never had the pride to cover them up, not letting He Yu see his scars and blood.

And now he had to kick him out.

Although after experiencing so many lives and deaths, he had long since stopped wanting to hold a grudge against He Yu for the faults he had ultimately forged in the first place by pouring a glass of wine wrongly, he had to expose all those wounds to him and force him to leave.

"You? ...... You are." Eventually, Xie Qingcheng slowly braced himself and sat up as he pushed He Yu away, using the hand that barely exerted any strength.

With red eyes, he straightened his clothes, as if, at the same time, he had straightened his own wretched, soldierly condition this night.

He took one deep breath and said to him in his calmest, and most decisive voice, "Once upon a time I didn't know if you were or weren't, but now you're gay, and I'm still not."

"What I was thinking about, is that we are both men. Between two men is which even slept, there is no emotional relationship ...... You want to ask me why I slept with you - then I answer you - I later held this self-defeating I was paralyzing myself with such self-loathing, and I made the same mistake with you again and again. I was the one who was in a fucking stupor, not in love with you. Do you understand?"

All of these things he hadn't said before, all of these things he hadn't planned to say again afterward, all of them came out at this moment as if they were a hard kick in the chest to the teenager's heart.

Xie Qingcheng finished speaking, his own eyes reddening a bit from the emotion, he got up, his chest heaving, his eyes looking downward, staring at the stiffly seated boy.

He realized that if he kept saying things that were not hurtful, even blaming himself, for fear of He Yu's attack, then He Yu would never be willing to let go.

He finally said hoarsely, "Now I've decided to end it. Turn the page. Can you turn the page? Do you want me to teach you by hand?"

He Yu mourned, "Brother ......"

"......"

"I can't turn the page ...... I really like you ...... I know we had a lot of bad memories from before ...... But can you tell me ...... Is there any way we can start over ...... Is there any way ......"

Xie Qingcheng s look is so ruthless, but the end of his eyes still have undried moisture, he fixedly looked at He Yu for a moment and said, "...... No."

"No more, He Yu. I don't need you to make amends nor do I need you to apologize again. I'm talking to you about the clubhouse incident not for anything but to remind you to remember that I could never have fallen in love with a man. If you really feel guilty about that past, there's only one thing I ask of you."

"......"

"From now on, please mind your own business, don't hurt yourself, don't hurt anyone, do your best, be good, live and be good. And then, please-get as far away from me as you can."

He paused.

"This is the greatest kindness you can give me."

"......"

"Leave yourself alone for a while."

"...... Brother ......"

"I'm leaving."

He didn't want to stay in this dormitory at all, he was too sick, he needed to go back to a place he could call "home" to curl up and heal.

Even though he had long since lost his parents and his sister would be leaving home.

Still, he had a tiny house on Stormy Lane, the last place he could settle down and hide away to relieve himself.

When he finished, he pushed the door and walked out.

"Shea ...... Shea!"

He Yu, as if waking up from a dream, stumbled after him and tried to grab his hand.

But Xie Qingcheng looked back at him from the aisle, and he said, "Do you really want to keep pushing me and yourself like this?"

"......"

"I told you we'd have this day, He Yu."

"You should put it down."

He was on one side of the aisle, He Yu was on the other, and a little moonlight poured in through the side-opening window grille.

Xie Qingcheng stared at He Yu for a while, and his blurred vision made it impossible for him to make out He Yu's expression even by the light of the moon. He turned around and left.

His gaze as he left was so jaded, so tired, that it became an iron lock full of thorns, strangling into He Yu's flesh and blood and binding his whole body.

This time He Yu, didn't catch up.

Just as he reached the stairway, He Yu shouted, "Xie Qingcheng."

The voice seemed bloodied, trapped and choked, like the wailing of a wolfhound bewildered by its own madness.

Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes and didn't look back. As he walked down the steps, He Yu shouted again, "Xie Qingcheng!"

The voice was a little louder than before, a little more desperate, like it was trying to get him to turn around, even if it was only to stop for a moment.

Xie Qingcheng seems to be colder than ice, and his heart is harder than iron, and he still didn t even give him half a pause.

Xie Qingcheng eventually disappeared around the corner, and behind the empty, silent walkway, faintly, came a final, "Xie Qingcheng ......"

Perhaps it was the distance, it sounded like a horribly sunken sound, like a person who was still being killed after an extreme struggle, bleeding hot blood and becoming a ghost again, harboring hatred and hurt, floating ghostly up from the dead body.

Xie Qingcheng sealed his heart, like a soulless puppet, head without turning back, completely left this long empty hallway corridor.

He's far away.

He Yu lowered his head and slowly curled down, as if stabbed by some blunt object, he pressed down a choked sob, hugged himself, and dropped to the dirty doorstep ......

Once again, the pain in my chest was excruciating.

It was real pain, the kind he'd never felt before.

He raised his eyes and looked in the direction Xie Qingcheng left, as if even his pupils were red.

"Xie Qingcheng ......"

He shivered, self-hugged, lost in thought and mumbled ......

He's so uncomfortable, his monitoring bands are completely spiked red, and he desperately needs his medicine ...... He needs his medicine ...... He can't let him look down on him ...... Where's the medicine... ...Where's the medicine? ......

He rushed inside Xie Qingcheng s dormitory, tearing his heart and lungs and wailing, he had to restrain himself on one side, and on the other side, he was about to be driven mad by the strong emotions. He went to pour water ...... He took the medicine he had been carrying with him all these days ......

He Yu was so devastated that he didn't even notice that behind the porch columns, which he hadn't seen, there was a man who had been standing, looking as if he were even more numbly agonized than he was -

It's Chen Man.

Chen Man didn't go.

Because he was worried about Xie Qingcheng, he never actually left, but hid behind a pillar in the corridor outside the dormitory. So he saw the intense entanglement between them and heard the entire conversation between Xie Qingcheng and He Yu.

Chen Man stood there with cold hands and feet, as if his soul had been seized and emptied from his body.

Chen Man looks down at his trembling hands ......

Obviously he met it first.

But he missed ...... it all because of his pure goodness, gentleness, and stoicism!

He tilted his head back, resignation and pain melting his heart, his eyes - already blood red.