Away from Home

Xie Qingcheng is finally going to the United States.

Xie Xue came out of the physical examination, her health condition was not good, she was too shocked, the doctor said she had obvious pregnancy anxiety disorder, the symptoms are very serious. If Xie Qingcheng doesn't cooperate at this point, she may not be able to hold out much longer.

From the age of fourteen, Xie Qingcheng has never lived a day for herself.

Even now that the case has been solved, his fate doesn't seem to have changed much.

Because the procedures were handled by the Wei family, they were done quickly, and soon after Xie Qingcheng was discharged from the hospital, he was ready to leave the country for treatment. The week before he left, Chen Man asked him to meet him.

Chen Man was also seriously injured in the naval battle and stayed in the hospital for more than a month before he recovered.

The original meeting place he sent to Xie Qingcheng was the vegetarian restaurant they had been to before, but after Xie Qingcheng received the message, after a few minutes, she replied to him and said to change the place, so they made a new appointment at a Zen tea house.

Chen Man arrived first, and after waiting for a while in the house, Xie Qingcheng arrived. When Chen Man turned around and saw him, even though he was prepared for it, he was still shocked, and then he had a lot of bad feelings.

"Brother ......"

It's only been a month or so since I've seen Xie Qingcheng, and she looks like she's aged more than ten years.

His former temperament was very sharp, very hard and cold, between his hands and feet there was a cold toughness. Now, the coldness between his brows is still there, but the ruthlessness that supported him seems to have disappeared. This makes him look very tired, sickly, withered, the whole person shows some abnormal pallor, like a ghost barely retained on earth.

In the past, when Xie Qingcheng and Chen Man sat together, although you could see the age difference, it wasn't to the point where people could see the difference.

And now it's very obvious.

Xie Qingcheng sat down in front of him, Chen Man stared at him for a while, his eyes reddened before he could speak, he turned his face to the side and held back his tears before looking at him again.

Xie Qingcheng: "Long time no see."

"And not for long ......"

"Healed?"

"Uh-huh."

"That's good."

The conversation between the two was unusually rusty, as if there was an invisible film that stood between them.

In the end, it was Chen Man who couldn't hold back and broke the film - touching that which was almost considered taboo for the two: "Brother ...... I'm sorry... ...If, if I knew he wasn't from Duan Wen's side, then I definitely wouldn't ......"

"It wasn't you, it wasn't your teammates who killed him. It wasn't you guys. You were just following the law." Xie Qingcheng leaned back in his chair, arms wrapped around his head, and looked at Chen Man with one eye -- though one of them was no longer in any kind of focus, nothing to see.

He said, "The one who killed him, it was me."

Chen Man : "No, brother ...... you don't think so ......"

Xie Qingcheng lowered his eyelashes, as if he didn't want to continue the topic.

A hot tea curled and steamed in front of the two of them, noiselessly overflowing with steam.

Chen Man wiped his tears, "Brother, your eyes ......"

"You were the last person to see him." Xie Qingcheng did not care about his eyes, but suddenly said this to Chen Man.

Chen Man : "...... hmmm."

Another few seconds of silence.

Then Xie Qingcheng asked, "So how was his final ...... ...... Can you talk to me about it."

Chen Man didn't reply, and after a while, a tear fell onto the table in front of him.

He Yu ends up laughing on the boat, looking crazy and sad. Anyone can see his desperation at that time, he even wants Chen Man to shoot him himself. He even wanted Chen Man to shoot him with his own hands. Chen Man's appearance made him give up his last desire to survive, and he felt that Xie Qingcheng had done so in order to protect Chen Man.

In the last few seconds, He Yu's eyes were completely filled with sadness and hatred.

But what did Chen Man tell Xie Qingcheng?

Xie Qingcheng has already lost an eye and has become so withered and broken, how can Chen Man still stick a sharp knife into his heart.

Sometimes silence is an answer.

Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes.

Chen Man wailed, "Brother ...... you do ...... really like him, don't you?"

"......"

"I used to think that you had no choice, or for whatever reason you had to be with him, but ......" Chen Man didn't go on, tears falling one by one.

Xie Qingcheng didn't say he liked it, nor did he say he didn't like it.

Like what ......

Is it the kind of feeling that someone like him, who can't give He Yu 100% trust, would have?

He had seen true love, and in that love he had seen the most passionate eyes in the world, heard the most sincere confessions in the world, and had been guarded by the only person in the world who had ever been guarded by him.

He had seen in that love what it meant to be uncomplaining, what it meant to be a moth to the flame, what it meant to be infatuated, what it meant to be committed.

Those are not what he has.

He's given He Yu nothing. How can he say he likes it?

Chen Man looked at his eyes with distress: "Brother ...... you don't want to be like this anymore ...... after you go to the United States, you have to treat your illness well ...... okay? I'm going to be able to get a good deal on that," he said. The investigation and pursuit of Duan Wen are not over yet, that biggest black hand has not been brought to justice yet, I want ...... I want you to be able to watch with your own eyes the deaths of your aunt and uncle, my big brother ...... and... ...and He Yu's that organization, can all be ambushed and get the retribution they deserve."

"I know it may take a long time, but one day you'll be able to see ...... as long as you're alive."

Chen Man paused, and then said, "Brother, do you know, the latest investigation, they found the truth of the year Yi Beihai killings ...... even Yi Beihai are Duan Wen seized the opportunity, by the way to use to test the latest hearing water effect of the test subjects! He went to the gambling house and drank a glass of wine. He was not so determined to kill Qin Lao, but there was something in the glass of wine. ...... That version of hearing water was a failure. Wei Rong confessed that Duan Wen's original order was for him to go to his mother's vengeance and threaten Qin Ciyan, forcing him to tell the truth about a research report that had been done. To force him to tell the secret of a research report, the result Yi Beihai accidentally missed ......"

Xie Qingcheng knew what they wanted for the secret report.

--First Emperor.

Yi Beihai had the intention of killing the doctor, but Duan Wen used him in a way that no one could see.

In the past, the revelation of this layer of truth would have undoubtedly shaken Xie Qingcheng to his core, but now he had simply accepted this fact - he no longer seemed to be surprised by anything, he no longer seemed to be delighted by anything, and he no longer seemed to feel any emotions for anything.

He is a dead log, everything loaded inside is empty and rotten.

"Brother, Duan Wen will one day stand before the judgment bench and be convicted. I hope ...... you can hold on to see that day."

"I know it must be very hard for you to lose He Yu, but ...... you still have Xie Xue, and your nephew who is about to be born, and you still have ......" he had eyes like rabbits like looking at him, stumbling for a long time, and gathering the courage to speak on, "--You still have me. We all need you badly, too, and none of us can live without you."

Xie Qingcheng finally spoke, "I understand what you mean."

Chen Man : "...... Brother ......"

Xie Qingcheng said, "Chen Man, I may never have loved anyone in my life. Maybe I never loved He Yu either. because people like me have no qualifications to say whether they like it or not."

Chen Man: "......"

"But as I said, his position is one that no one can replace anymore." Xie Qingcheng said, "It was like this before, and it will not change in the future. In life or in death, that place will always belong to him. It only belongs to him."

"Until the day I too am gone."

Chen Man has tears in his eyes.

Xie Qingcheng got up, summoned the waiter to settle the bill, and before leaving, he said something to Chen Man.

He said, "Chen Yan, I'm not worth keeping around. You move on, you'll meet someone much better than me. And me." There was a pause, "I've already killed the one who loved me the most by my own hand. All this time going forward is the price I have to pay."

He departed, alone, back to Stray Rain Lane.

On the way, Xie Qingcheng came across a stall selling small noodles.

Now that autumn is deepening and it will soon be the Mid-Autumn Festival, the traditional old craftsmen's walking stores have begun to appear on the streets and alleys again, avoiding the city police.

The old craftsman's stall has taken a Coke bottle inserted with a good seven or eight kinds of noodles, there are the most common Monkey King, Chang'e, and Pleasant Goat, Doraemon ...... Xie Qingcheng Looking at the noodle stall, as if looking at a mirror flower and water and moon suspected of real and suspected of illusionary dream.

"What do you want to buy, sir?"

The dream woke up in a trance, and it was the old craftsman talking to him.

Xie Qingcheng realized that he had unconsciously walked up to the other party, "Can ...... pinch a dragon?"

"Can ah." The old man smiled kindly, and between his wrinkles was all the gentleness precipitated by the years, "So what kind of pinch do you want?"

"Ask for two dragons, one red and one silver. Put them together."

The old man said thoughtfully, "Such a request has been made to me before ......"

Xie Qingcheng's hands in the pockets of his trench coat were curling slightly, and he didn't even have to ask again to know who had been in front of this booth, smiling and mentioning the same willingness.

Controlling the tremor in his voice, he said, "Really ......"

"That's New Year's Eve, isn't it ......," the old man smiled as he remembered, "a very handsome young man."

Xie Qingcheng's voice got a little choked for the first time as he said, "Please do as you did then, because ......"

He took a moment to compose himself before he got the second half of the sentence out, "Because that pair of Little dragons, they were given to me."

The old man was surprised and pleased, "And is it still there?"

Xie Qingcheng There seemed to be a bitter olive in his throat, and he said softly, "...... I lost it."

The Little dragon was ready, exactly the same as the one He Yu gave him on New Year's Eve, and Xie Qingcheng took the bamboo stick, his hand trembling slightly as he held it.

He thanked the old man solemnly at last, and slipped the little face into the pocket of his trench coat, the one closest to his heart-he took it home.

One day before leaving the country, Xie Qingcheng went to finish the last thing in China.

He went to the cemetery alone.

He Yu had no relatives left in the country, and no one would erect a monument in his honor, except Xie Qingcheng.

The monument has been placed, and on this day the undertaker waits for customers to come and lay the bones of the deceased to rest.

But Xie Qingcheng has no remains of He Yu.

The remains found by the police would be nothing more than broken limbs and blood, much less handed over to him; he was no one to He Yu. Not a relative, not a friend ...... nor a lover.

All he had was the tiny pair of clay dragons.

He put it in a heather box and gently rested it in the grave. The undertaker had seen a thousand strange undead, so he asked nothing more and cooperated with him, sealing the grave.

"Sir, this is the tool you asked for." After sealing the grave, the undertaker handed Xie Qingcheng the engraving tool.

There is no writing on the tombstone, it's empty.

The customer who ordered the monument said from the beginning that he didn't need them to carve anything, but only asked them to bring him the stone chiseling knife.

This is not an isolated request, as some people would like to personally engrave the name of the deceased on the monument, as if it could be engraved into the hearts of the living.

Xie Qingcheng took the knife.

"Thanks."

With a shallow bow, the undertaker left, leaving the last moments to the pair separated by life and death.

Xie Qingcheng slowly knelt down in front of the cold tombstone, his fingers stroking the blank alabaster stone. He didn't shed any tears, and it was as if his eyes, which had lost their light, could no longer shed tears.

He said, "Kid."

"I'm leaving."

"I know you resent me. It's my fault ...... for always treating you harshly ...... I always hoped that you'd be okay even if you were alone, that you'd be able to come out of the shadows on your own, but I forgot that you needed a bridge ...... and I didn't give that bridge to you."

"You hate me. It's only right that you resent me."

The forehead rested against the cold, bone-chilling monument.

Xie Qingcheng softly whispered, sound scattered in the wind: "I'm sorry. You and I said so many times like, but I have not once told you, brat, in fact, I also ......"

He stopped.

I'm what?

It seems no longer qualified to speak.

Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes. After a long time, he swallowed the words that he couldn't say, those invisible words seemed to cut his throat, he coughed, and the smell of blood was hidden between his lungs.

"...... I won't live long." He said softly, "The last few years, after organizing my teacher's books, it's time for me to come and see you."

"I don't know if you'll want to see me at that time."

Xie Qingcheng's fingers caressed the stone tablet, just as they had once caressed He Yu's forehead.

"I'm sorry ...... for making you like someone like me ......"

"At the end of the day, I have nothing to offer you ......"

"I make you sad, don't I ......"

He slowly sat up straight and gripped the knife, he looked at the stone monument empty, he was going to chisel and carve He Yu's name ...... But in the moment of the knife, but somehow, he suddenly remembered He Yu when he was a child secretly behind his back to get a tattoo, and then when he was found out.

At that time He Yu yelled, "I'm not learning from you! I don't like you at all! I don't worship you at all!"

He was never really worthy of He Yu's admiration.

He Yu did better than him.

He is much better than all of them .......

Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes, his long pale fingers stroked the stone tablet and chiseled the first stroke ......

When the sun sank in the west and the distant bell rang, he knelt in the dust and ashes on the ground, his arm had been injured and half disabled, only one of them could use all his strength, and it was very difficult to carve the words, and his fingers were speckled with blood.

He didn't care, just looked at the lines of newly carved words.

Nothing of him that doth fade.

But doth suffer a sea-change.

Into something rich and strange.

Wrapping his hand around Keats' epitaph, he carved for He Yu the last words of Shelley that he could not leave on his wrist during his lifetime, as if to fulfill a sinful relationship and regret that had been planted since he was a teenager.

Xie Qingcheng lowered his eyelashes, his black eyelashes were like withered butterfly wings, and he couldn't lift them up again in the twilight blood light.

He raised his hand and pressed it against the cold stele.

"Kid ...... Let me hold you again ......"

"For the last time."

Please, let me give you that one hug you used to crave, okay? ...... He Yu ...... I'll give you a hug, okay?

The mouth of his heart was plastered with hard, cold stone, and the moment he closed his eyes completely, he thought of the Ferris wheel dream, the back that never looked back ......

It's cold.

But he pressed his forehead lightly against it and embraced it for a long, long time.

He wondered if He Yu had been like that when he had held him before, like embracing a piece of ice or stone that would never respond, kissing frost and snow.

So cold, and now it was finally his turn to experience it as well. He felt numbness in his limbs and coldness in his chest just by holding it for such a limited time.

How did He Yu hold out for so long, clinging to the wait that never got answered, day after day, until the day he died? ......

Xie Qingcheng wanted to ask the teenager why.

He'd love to catch up with He Yu's footsteps in front of the Ferris wheel, to catch up and not let him disappear. Go after him--

Ask if a sentence is worth it or not.

Ask a question, brat, how sad ...... you really felt at that time ...... when you pleaded with me one at a time and got no response.

Ask why you're still stumbling to get up and move forward with me again, to the point where your head breaks, to the point where you run out of gas.

Ask a question, He Yu ...... He Yu ...... Why are you so insistent on not stopping?

Why ......

To do this for someone like me ......

But the teenager is gone, and that rush of blood will never return.

Only this nameless monument, long companion to him in the gradually sinking sunset, opposes death by silence.

Yes, the monument is nameless. Except for that one poem, Xie Qingcheng left nothing.

Just like their relationship, they are entangled in life and death, but remain nameless and unnamed.

Xie Qingcheng last left behind, only a little mottled blood on his fingertips, but he carefully wiped before leaving, even this little red disappeared.

The headstones are clean.

Like the gentle, beautiful eyes of a teenager when he smiles.

Those eyes seem to be saying, Xie Qingcheng, Dr. Xie ...... Xie, you hold me, okay?

I'm very young, but I really love you. Please believe me.

I'm not lying to you ......

Xie Qingcheng knelt in front of the tomb as the slanting sun finally sank completely from the horizon, and he hunched over in the last of the blood, slowly, closing his eyes.

There are faint crows in the sky mocking like whimpering, the last trace of light also in this cries of blood like sadness, trembling slipped down the clouds, like tears weeping, instantly fell, disappeared.

.

The next day, Xie Qingcheng was leaving.

Airport send off, came a lot of people, Chen Man, Aunt Li, Dean, Wei family line ...... even Li Ruoqiu also came, she has divorced with that later husband, now alone to open a very romantic tavern, she saw the news in the tavern TV, Xie Qingcheng They are like the general public, she does not know too much, but combined with all the past, she also guessed a little.

Li Ruoqiu was the last to say goodbye to Xie Qingcheng.

She did not say any words, only looked at his face, stunned and shed a line of tears. Just such a short year, Xie Qingcheng lost the light in his left eye, lost his healthy arm, lost the sharpness in his body, and lost an irreplaceable person ......

But he still had to live.

She looked at him, hardly recognizing him; he was still the same Xie Qingcheng, but crippled beyond recognition.

She choked back a sob, "Shea, I hope all is well with you from now on ......"

He looked at her and said, "You too. I hope all is well with you too."

Li Ruoqiu : "What I did in the past was too childish, I hope you can forgive me."

"You just wanted a normal relationship, but I didn't give it to you." Xie Qingcheng said, "I did a bad job. And I hope you can forgive me."

Li Ruoqiu wiped his tears and looked at him, she felt that the look on his face when he said this made her very sad, in fact, his life is almost dead, the effect of going to the United States for treatment is also unknown, perhaps not to achieve the desired results, he was holding the idea that he would not see her again in the future, the last words he said to her.

Xie Qingcheng said goodbye to them and entered the customs, he left the country, but packed less than a simplest trip, only a suitcase with some clothes, some unorganized notes ......

And the little fire dragon that He Yu had once given him, he re-glued and put it in the pocket of his trench coat.

At the moment the plane shot up into the sky, he closed his eyes, raised his hand and lightly touched his heart, touching the lifeless Little dragon.

He opened his eyes and looked out the window, the cloud streams rushing past outside the cabin like a river into the sea - everything from his past, all his obsessions ......

In the end, it's all gone with the wind.