Chapter 111: Speak up

Qiao Lan had previously thought about how to get Tan Mo to stop cheating on her, to be nice to him so that he would feel safe and so on.

That's what she's going to do.

But that doesn't mean Tan Mo doesn't do anything.

Qiao Lan wanted to find a chance to talk to Tan Mo about this, but never did.

She realized that if she watched Tan Mo well, she could tell whether he was telling the truth or lying, or perhaps with Qiao Lan's knowledge of Tan Mo, she could guess Tan Mo's truer thoughts.

On weekends with Tan Mo, Qiao Lan didn't find much of a chance, also because the Tan Mo of those two days was very real, he was happy, and Qiao Lan could see that at a glance.

Tan Mo was startled by Qiao Lan's sudden serious tone, and subconsciously raised his head to meet Qiao Lan's eyes, who stared straight into his eyes, not allowing him to hide his eyes.

"This reaction, I don't like."

Tan Mo was stunned.

Eyes were uncontrollably messed up.

No one knows how afraid he is of Qiao Lan saying the word dislike.

Qiao Lan could see the confusion and panic in Tan Mo's eyes, and couldn't stop feeling pain, but still continued, "Do you know why? Do not look down, look at me."

Tan Mo's eyes shuddered as he tried to move away, and he redirected them at Qiao Lan, his voice trailing off.

"I don't know."

Qiao Lan sighed, her voice softening as she said, slightly hurt, "Because this reaction makes me feel less like you, makes me feel like you don't care about me that much."

"No," Tan Mo said, answering quickly, some answers requiring no thought at all, "I only care about you."

"Then why be so bland about letting me go", Qiao Lan said, "If I were you and you were going to a place full of strangers I didn't know and a lot of girls who thought you were hot, I'd be upset."

No... Not happy, Tan Mo looked at her blankly, "Why..."

"Because I like you ah, like is very overbearing and unreasonable, I don't like other girls to look at you, I don't like you to be with other people to take up my time with you, I don't like someone to sneak a look at you to like you in a place I don't know, so I definitely don't want you to go. But if I must go, let's see, I'll ask you what time you finish, and when you come back I'll ask if there are any other girls who like you, there's always something to ask that puts me at ease, after all, my boyfriend is so handsome and so good."

Tan Mo looked at her in silence and didn't say anything.

Qiao Lan continued as if she knew nothing.

"If I were you I would be like this, I like you ah, so I have to express it I want to let you know I care. Calmly say a go ahead, I can't do that unless I don't care or I want to hide my thoughts pretending not to care, but since we love each other then we should be honest with each other, we shouldn't hide it there should be no deception. So Momo, with this reaction, are you not caring about me or are you hiding your thoughts and pretending you don't care?"

Those dark eyes just looked at him, and Tan Mo was too scared to look at her like that, but Qiao Lan wouldn't let him look away.

Is it because you don't care or are you trying to hide your thoughts and pretend you don't care?

Tan Mo is cold and his hands are stiff.

If she didn't understand Qiao Lan's intentions by this time, Tan Mo would not have gotten into this school.

Qiao Lan said so much, in fact, in the end only not more than just want to ask him, you hide their own ideas to lie to me, in the end because of what.

She found out he lied, found out he cheated him.

She said people who love each other shouldn't have to cheat, but he cheated her.

Qiao Lan is disappointed in him.

Disappointment was the word that came to mind the moment Tan Mo felt his heart twisting in pain.

What happens after disappointment, it slowly becomes disliked, and after disliking it, what, break up? Leave? Never see you again?

Tan Mo felt that the blood in his body had gone cold, and the whole person sat there in a daze, unable to move, and after a long time spoke almost without much consciousness.

"No don't care." I only care about you.

"Then why lie to me."

"I thought you'd like that..."

Love that he's not selfish, love that he's not a pain in the ass, love that he's generous.

Thought? Like this?

Qiao Lan's heart really aches when she looks at him like this, and she just wants to hug him and rub him, but she holds back in the end.

"Still on the same topic as just now, would you like it if you went to a club and I flat out said "go for it"?"

"... Won't."

"Then why do you think I would like it," Qiao Lan sometimes wondered why she would think she would like such a reaction even though she understood that Tan Mo was doing it for her, "Tan Mo, I don't like it either."

This time it's just Tan Mo.

And again, I don't like it all over again.

The heart felt like it had been stabbed again.

"It's not the same," Tan Mo said, and he was silent for a few moments after that before continuing, "I'm not like you, not the same."

Tan Mo is probably too desperate, a moment has even thought of the most unacceptable point, some never dare to say out in front of Qiao Lan at this moment, like a broken pot said, "I am not a normal person, I do not understand other people's words, possessive, paranoid, extremist, and even delusional, why should I lie to you, because I do not dare to let you know what I really think! know what I'm really thinking. I don't want you to go, if you don't say yes then I'll take you back, there's no point in you saying anything, I don't want you to have friends, I don't want you to have family, I don't want you to see anyone but me..."

"Then go ahead and do it."

All of Tan Mo's words came to a halt because of Qiao Lan's words.

As if he hadn't responded, it took him a long time to say, "What..."

"I said do what you want then do it," Qiao Lan looked at him with a look that wasn't a joke, "Did I ever tell you when I started liking you."

Tan Mo was stunned for a moment, "No."

"You asked me what I would do if you couldn't stand up, that time," Qiao Lan said, "You asked me what I would do, and I said I would take care of you for the rest of your life, and that's when I realized I liked you."

Tan Mo's fingers trembled, but it was... Is it so early?...

He always thought it was after he stood up.

"I remember when I first met you, I kept talking to you but you ignored me, you were much harder to get along with then than now. You always felt that other people wanted to harm you, you wanted to kill yourself whenever you had a bad day, you were dead without any vitality, you couldn't understand people's words even more than you do now, you completely followed your own ideas without any reasoning, and you couldn't even stand up."

Qiao Lan's words were so unforgiving that Tan Mo didn't even know how to look at Qiao Lan after hearing them, he was so bad, he didn't know what was good for him.

"But I still fell in love with you", Qiao Lan's tone softened as she reached across the table and touched Tan Mo's cheek, "Do you know how much? Surely you don't know, surely you don't know yet what you mean to me."

"... What?", Tan Mo became a dumbass who couldn't talk.

"I grew up in a home like a puddle of slime, dark, unable to step back but unable to see ahead, you were a light, the light that brought me out of the darkness was my salvation. You're always afraid I'll leave you, how could I, you're my light, even if a cactus doesn't need water, it will die if it leaves the light."

Tan Mo doesn't know what it's like to be dead, he only knows what it's like to be alive after a robbery.

It is what it is now.

Tan Mo feels like he's gone to hell, only to be suddenly pulled back by Qiao Lan and taken to heaven.

How can someone like him be light, how can he be salvation, Qiao Lan is the light and salvation he is chasing, he even feels that these two words put on himself insults them.

But Qiao Lan looks at him seriously and tells him it's not a lie, it's true.

"Possessiveness, paranoia about feelings, extremes, that's not a condition of Asperger's, that's a condition of love, and it's not just you who has it, I'll have it too. What I said to you in the beginning wasn't just an attempt to intentionally lead you on, it was my truth, and I would have preferred you to have said your own truth when I said I was going to go somewhere else, rather than the words you thought I would like. I've seen you at your truest, and I like you hopelessly because you're at your truest, and I like you just because it's you, and if you're disguising yourself as someone else, that's not how I like you."

"Are you going to go on like this, becoming a stranger to me who I grow to dislike?"

"No," Tan Mo shook his head without thinking.

In every love that gives its heart, there is no one who does not have low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem to the point of abandoning the self for the sake of the other, trying to become what the other likes.

But it never occurred to him that his perception of what Qiao Lan liked was simply wrong.

Qiao Lan is probably still disappointed in him.

Because even he was disappointed in himself.

Tan Mo wanted to ask but was a bit afraid to do so. Qiao Lan saw that he was hesitant to speak and asked him what he wanted to say, then quickly said, "Don't lie to me!"

"Are you," Tan Mo said strained, "not disappointed in me."

Qiao Lan smiled, "That's not true, I was a little sad, and a little angry that my anger wasn't yours, but not disappointed."

"Why."

"Because it's hard to give up."

Tan Mo eyes astringent, suddenly wanted to take the person just like this into his arms, in the end suppressed, "... I said why are you angry with yourself."

"Because I'm wondering if it's because of me, because I subconsciously wanted you to get along with everyone that you did that, Momo, I'm sorry for misleading you, in the future follow your heart okay, do whatever you want to do, don't have too many worries."

Tan Mo was easily sobered up, only to be dumbfounded again after hearing this.

After a moment it said, "Can I do whatever I want."

Qiao Lan replied, "You just said if I want to go to the club, what do you want to do?"

"Don't want you to go, if you don't say yes then I'll take you back, nothing you say will help, I don't want you to have friends, you have family, I don't want you to see anyone but me..." Tan Mo answered dryly like a repeater.

"Yeah, this one," Qiao Lan finished eating and wiped her hands with a wet wipe, "doesn't want me to go, this one's fine, but not the back one."

"Do whatever you say you want to do..."

"Doing what you want is for you not to have to hide, but I will tell you what you can and can't do. We're a couple, there can be communication and negotiation, there can be concessions from both you and I, but there can be no deception, and rather than making your own wild guesses here as to what I like or don't like, why don't you just ask me if I like it or don't like it, and I'll be happy to tell you."

Communication is the best solution, and as long as both people have each other in their hearts, there is nothing that cannot be communicated properly.

Tan Mo may be a little difficult to understand this sentence, lowered his head for a long time and finally figured it out, and finally made up his mind as if he wanted to try a new way of communication.

"Then I don't want you to go to the club this afternoon."

Qiao Lan nodded, "Uh-huh."

"So," Tan Mo added after a pause, "can you not go then?"

"Can't."

Tan Mo : "...... Why?"

"Because this is your punishment for lying to me for so long", Qiao Lan stood up and pinched Tan Mo's face, "When I first asked you for your opinion on whether or not to go to the Psychology Club, I was so stubborn and said I'd go if I wanted to, now do you regret it."

Tan Mo's shoulders slumped.

Now think about it.

Really regret it.