Chapter 126: But still, love you

The night, they spent in the car.

He Yu's fever is slowly dropping and his mood is stabilizing, but until then, Xie Qingcheng can't take the risk of continuing to drive, there's a section of road under construction ahead, and if anything happens to He Yu, the situation will become very difficult to deal with.

Xie Qingcheng cared for him until He Yu's temperature and moods normalized.

The attack was undoubtedly quite severe, and the effects of chronic drug abuse were already apparent, with He Yu even experiencing a period of total loss of control, and after he had finished his outbursts, he became so exhausted that he fell into a semi-comatose slumber as he recovered.

Xie Qingcheng waited for him to fall asleep before he put on his seatbelt again and drove, by which time the sky had already turned a shade of fish-bellied white, and the darkest hour had already passed.

He still intends to send He Yu back to the main villa.

He Yu's current situation is so bad that he needs to know what He Yu is hiding--

Thinking about it, Xie Qingcheng found it somewhat ironic.

It's as if He Yu used to be the one curious about what he was hiding, and now he actually has to try and figure out what's going on with He Yu that he doesn't know about.

Xie Qingcheng took off his jacket, threw it on the sleeping He Yu, and drove the car steadily and quickly all the way to the door of He Yu's house.

He rang the bell and Guan Jia answered the door.

Even though she had already seen Xie Qingcheng on the videobell, Guan Jia was still a bit surprised when she opened the door and was actually confronted by this man.

What's more, Xie Qingcheng is still holding the half-sleeping, half-dizzy He Yu.

"Thank you, thank you Dr. ......"

"Is Mr. He there?"

"Mr. He and Mr. Lu are out of town. ......"

Xie Qingcheng sighed, almost expectedly.

He said, "Please help me get him in with me first, it's too heavy."

Xie Qingcheng and Guan Jia took him to bed.

Since He Yu never liked people to enter his room, Guan Jia did not dare to stay long and quickly bowed and withdrew.

Xie Qingcheng settled the man down and got up to take a closer look at the place he hadn't been to in a long time.

The furnishings and arrangements in the house are still the same as they were five years ago, without much change.

The whole room just looked cooler, and Xie Qingcheng came in thinking that it was less like a common bedroom and more like a star-rated hotel room, meaning that even though the room was very comfortable, there was nothing personal and colorful about it.

The homeowner didn't love the room and acted as if he would leave at any moment.

It is precisely because of the minimalist furnishings in the house that some things stand out. Xie Qingcheng suddenly found the book "Rare Diseases of the World" on He Yu's desk, which he left to He Yu when he left his job five years ago, in order to encourage him to come out of the shadow of the disease slowly by himself, and not to forget the case of ossification that he had told him about.

"Kid, you're not alone." It was actually a comfort he couldn't say at the time.

It all ended up on the title page with the words--

To He Yu.

Xie Qingcheng walked to the desk, opened the book has obviously turned old, his own five years ago to leave words into the eyes, pen marks have been eroded by the years faded, he drooped his long eyelashes and stared for a long time in silence.

Wow.

Perhaps He Yu forgot to close the window before he left, and forgot to close the curtains as usual, and a gust of morning wind blew in, causing the pages of the book to flap.

Suddenly.

It seems to be fated.

A page of thin paper wedged in a book fell out like a falling flower and onto the desktop.

And a ray of morning sunlight just pierced through the clouds and spilled onto the paper.

Xie Qingcheng was stunned for a moment.

Surprisingly, it was a test sheet.

He picked up the slip and tried to clip it back into the book, and as he did so he glanced at it.

The result of that glance was something he never expected.

He thought it was He Yu's own list, like a memento of the improvement of the mental Ai Bola, but it was just an ordinary blood test.

The sheet also bears the name of the person being examined:

Xie Qingcheng.

"...... "There's nothing more outrageous than seeing your own lab reports in someone else's home.

Xie Qingcheng was therefore stunned for a while before he took the thin piece of paper and looked at it carefully.

It's really his blood test that's right.

But how did He Yu get this?

Then look at the report printing time, Xie Qingcheng frowned and recalled for a while, suddenly realized what, the face slowly become a little ugly.

That seems to be ...... the date when ...... herself got a fever after they did it the first time and was taken to the hospital by Chen Man.

Yes, he remembers, Chen Man said he lost a blood test, for which he had a new tube of blood drawn.

Xie Qingcheng thought about it before and after, then probably all understand.

He Yu must have gone to the hospital that day, too, except that He Yu didn't show up from the beginning to the end--

But what's he doing with this list?

Xie Qingcheng is slightly gnashing his teeth, and then take a closer look, the back of the list vaguely through some words.

He reversed the list and saw it.

On the white paper, He Yu wrote a whole page of "Xie Qingcheng, I'm sorry."......

Pens come in different colors and have different levels of scribbling.

It doesn't look like it was left at the same time, but rather a sentence that He Yu wrote down from time to time.

"......"

Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes.

Never mind, since he had already said that the past would not be pursued when he flooded the photo gallery, what emotion was there to consume in this matter?

He balled up the blood test sheet and threw it into the trash can to save He Yu read and feel guilty, and put it here every day to take sorry to practice writing, and then also closed the window by hand, so that the wind will not continue to blow.

And just then, he suddenly heard He Yu calling him in a small voice: "Xie Qingcheng."

"......"

"Xie Qingcheng ......"

Xie Qingcheng went to his bedside and found that the teenager had not awakened, it was just the murmuring of his dreams.

Xie Qingcheng stood next to him and looked at him for a while, "What ...... is shouting, I am not your father."

But when all was said and done, there was still something in his nature as a man; he couldn't watch a patient suffer in front of his eyes and not care.

So Xie Qingcheng stayed with He Yu for a while, until he was sure he was asleep, then he got up again and went downstairs to find Guan Jia.

He wants to ask He Yu about his recent medication.

Guan Jia: "The young master, he ah, because the mood is very unstable, always a handful of down medication, we watch and worry na."

"Since when?"

"It's been a long time, months always."

"Why don't you guys talk him down too."

Guan Jia sighed, "How can we persuade him? Mr. He is taking medication like this, although we know it's not good for his health, but if we can delay it for a day, it's a day. It's not like before, when young master had an attack so hard that he fell off a building ......"

"!!!" Xie Qingcheng asks, "Crash?"

"Yes, yes." Guan Jia froze, "You didn't know?"

"...... When was this."

"During the winter vacation, I guess, before young master went to the cast of The Trial. He reacted quite strangely in those days, first he was especially happy, he talked and laughed with us too, and he even went to clean the empty room that hadn't been used for a long time for six or seven times in person, and when we asked him if he had a guest coming, he said yes, but then he didn't see anyone coming ...... either."

Guan Jia's lips opened and closed, and some trivial things were said behind them, but Xie Qingcheng's face had gone pale, and he didn't listen to what came after that.

Of course he knew who that room was packed for.

He also knew very well who the guest who didn't show up in the end really was.

Eventually he slowly remembered that he had - at that point - actually received a message from He Yu.

He Yu sent him messages, several in a row.

He said, "Dr. Shea, I'm sick."

"Xie Qingcheng, I'm sick."

But Xie Qingcheng was so disgusted with him at the time that he thought He Yu was playing "crying wolf" again, and he didn't think the content of the text messages was real.

Now that he's learned the truth, Xie Qingcheng can't tell you how he feels--

If He Yu threatens him, saying that if you don't come to be my doctor, I will self-destruct, then Xie Qingcheng will find him annoying. Then Xie Qingcheng would have found him repulsive and thought he was practicing kidnapping in another sense.

But He Yu didn't.

He Yu didn't mean to moralize on him later, he even sincerely hoped that Xie Qingcheng would never know anything again.

He Yu held out for a long time.

Until now, he finally couldn't hold out any longer.

Xie Qingcheng thanked Guan Jia and returned to He Yu's bedroom.

He was very distraught for a moment.

In fact, even now, he did not understand what He Yu had done. But human emotions are not black and white, or hate and love. When he realized that He Yu had been enduring his illness alone for a long time - an illness that was even caused by his rejection - Xie Qingcheng's feelings suddenly became very complicated.

It was his instinct as a doctor not to want to see his patients self-harm.

Not wanting to see He Yu self-harm is his instinct as the first case of Spirit Ai Bola.

He Yu's behavior now frustrates him, and he wonders what He Yu is doing all this for - just because they're supposedly "kindred spirits"?

Between anxious moments, he wanted to knock a cigarette out and smoke it, but then he saw the sickly, miserable look of the teenager on the bed and wondered if he was going too far by inhaling second-hand smoke in front of the patient.

So he bit his lower lip, but put the cigarette case back.

It was not until around 1:00 p.m. that He Yu finally woke up from his sleep.

The teenager lay back on his bed and raised his hand to prop up his forehead, taking a few moments to slow down before coherently remembering the events of yesterday.

--violent writhing in the car.

Xie Qingcheng keeps holding him down and eventually gets a choke hold.

His illness went to his head and almost strangled Xie Qingcheng alive ......

After He Yu came to his senses completely, cold sweat came down all over him. He shouted out in fear and trepidation, "Xie Qingcheng ......!!!"

"I am."

Not expecting a response, He Yu suddenly turned his head and realized that Xie Qingcheng had not yet left.

The man sat reading by the window and lifted his eyes at the sound of his waking movement, then closed the book.

"Xie Qingcheng, you ......"

"Lie down, no need to sit up."

He Yu didn't listen that well, he still managed to sit up, and in the process he saw that his arm, had been wrapped and replaced with a new gauze, the kind of very careful and perfect bandaging that belonged to Xie Qingcheng.

"......" He Yu drops his eyes.

Last night it happened like that ......

For the first time, he completely lost his mind during an attack, and even nearly ended the life of Xie Qingcheng, who was by his side, with his own hands.

Slowly, shakily, he lifted his hand and stared at his palm.

Mental Late Symptoms of Ai Bola Disease ...... It's that scary, isn't it?

When you wake up, you may find the body of your favorite person lying next to you ......

He Yu asked himself that he had hardly ever been afraid of anything in his life.

And for a moment, he warbled from the bottom of his heart.

Xie Qingcheng walked over, "He Yu, you--"

"Don't come near me!!!" He Yu said in a harsh voice.

A confused light flickered in his eyes, and after a moment, he did his best to calm himself down.

But he really doesn't want to let Xie Qingcheng near him anymore.

"Don't you come near me ......" He Yu lifted his hand, buried his face in his palm, and murmured softly.

Xie Qingcheng stared at him for a moment and spoke, "He Yu, calm down. I'm not trying to do anything to you."

"......"

"There's just something I want to talk to you about."

"...... talk about ...... what?"

"Your condition."

"......" He Yu is no longer willing to let Xie Qingcheng treat him, after last night's incident, he only wants Xie Qingcheng to disappear from his eyes immediately.

He said, "You don't have to worry about this ...... My illness is nothing, it's just a bad attack these days, I--"

Before he could finish his sentence, he was interrupted by Xie Qingcheng, "He Yu, I heard that you once fell off a building because you lost control of your illness."

Silence.

"You don't have to hide anything from me anymore, I know all about it."

There was another long silence.

After a long time, He Yu finally asked hoarsely, "Did ...... Guan Jia tell you that?"

"Yes." Xie Qingcheng said, "If I hadn't sent you back here today, this is something I would have never known about either."

But this "discovery" came too late for He Yu.

He Yu he had also thought of, if Xie Qingcheng can see a little bit of his true heart, can be a little bit good to him, how good it would be.

And now he was afraid.

The chaos in the car last night seems like it's right in front of us. Who can't be afraid that they will unconsciously kill their favorite person with their own hands?

So in this long silence, He Yu decided anyway.

He would do his best to distance himself from Xie Qingcheng.

"What can you ...... do if you ...... know." He opened his mouth at last, murmuring a low voice with some not-so-subtle coldness in it.

"Xie Qingcheng, have you ever thought about what you can do if you know?"

He Yu said, between the eyebrows, also gradually colored some self-deprecating meaning: "...... you then even do not want to look at me a glance. I sent you a message, you have never returned to me. Now also to mention this thing to do? It's been so long. There's no point."

Xie Qingcheng : "...... I thought at that time, you were not telling the truth."

"It's okay." He Yu's frontal hair hung low, "I'm used to it. I'm a liar in your eyes."

Xie Qingcheng paused for a moment, "...... I'm sorry."

"......"

"I was the one who misunderstood you."

"......" He Yu There were no waves on his face, but his heart was fluttering silently.

Xie Qingcheng and he said he was sorry.

He had ...... almost never heard Xie Qingcheng say these three words to him before. If these three words could have come a little ...... earlier perhaps he would not have gone crazy to this point.

"He Yu, you can't go on like this." Xie Qingcheng said this to He Yu after a long period of speechlessness between the two of them, "It's already hard for your spirit to be soothed by medication, and the abuse of potent medication has made you more and more resistant to it - although I haven't met your current attending physician, this is the kind of situation that he should have also warned you about it, and I hope you took him at his word."

"......"

He Yu held back the sourness and throbbing within him, and after a long moment of silence, he said softly, "Look, Dr. Xie, as you know, I have a new attending now."

"So you should understand that these things, no longer have anything to do with you."

"......"

"I used to ...... want you to come back so badly. I used to plead with you so humbly, I cried out to you in pain over and over again, but you said ......" He Yu snorted with red eyes, his voice a little muffled, "You think I'm lying to you."

"If that's the case, why did you come back to care about me now? Is it because you feel sorry for me? There's really no need for that, I have a doctor. His medical skills aren't any worse than yours."

"I didn't think that doctor's medical skills were poor, it's just that there are not many people who have studied Spirit Ai Bola more deeply than I have." Xie Qingcheng said, "He Yu, do you realize how serious your situation is? I didn't see this matter, so what if I saw it, but if I saw it and you want me to completely ignore it, do you think I can do that."

He Yu was quiet for a moment, his figure reflected on the white wall behind him, "From what I know of you. I don't think there's anything you can't do."

"......"

"Xie Qingcheng, you yourself have said that you are a man with many tasks to accomplish, and I am nothing more than a small accident to you, such as in the case of Qin Ciyan, where I was the first liability that you shed."

"Can you not just change my words?" Xie Qingcheng anxiously tried to reach for his cigarette again, "I never said you were a liability."

"But that's what you did, and your actions have shown that you just see me as a liability."

Xie Qingcheng held back from smoking, but he couldn't help but press the lighter to snap, and finally he snapped the lighter and dropped it, looking up at him with his eyes, "Well ...... you're going to argue with me about this aren't you?"

"Then I'm going to be honest with you today. Please listen He Yu. when I came to your house on your eighth birthday and agreed to be your doctor, I didn't see you as a burden at that time, no doctor would see a patient as a burden. But at that time, in my eyes, although you were not a burden, you were just a slightly special patient, and I really didn't have any more emotional connection with you."

"Then something happened to Old Qin, and you were one of the first things I gave up and dropped ...... But I had made it very clear to you that you should know that it was a matter of necessity, and not a great sense of relief after I had let it go, and felt that I had shaken off some difficult burden."

Xie Qingcheng said here, seems to think of those things at that time, think of that kind of dilemma, desperate situation, his eyes also slightly red.

"He Yu, if what I said to you in the reservoir still doesn't make you understand exactly what it was that I put you down for at the time. If you still can't understand that my choice to leave wasn't something to be happy about for myself, if you still feel that I let go at that time with joy as if I was relieved--"

Xie Qingcheng paused for a moment before closing his eyes.

"Then perhaps all the truth I have told you has been in vain. And there's nothing more I can do to set you free. I'm sorry."

He Yu's heart ached, and he knew that he had spoken the wrong words under a deliberate pushback.

Xie Qingcheng is a very strong man, but Xie Qingcheng's soft underbelly is his mercy and his compassion for the sick, these words are undoubtedly killing the knife in his heart, salt on the scar.

He Yu was so embarrassed, didn't he understand that Xie Qingcheng was someone who cared about his patient in particular?

No, he actually understood at that time, he knew that Xie Qingcheng left him with some guilt and regret in the end, or else He Yu wouldn't have changed his opinion of Xie Qingcheng after he was trapped in the reservoir.

It's just that if he doesn't hurt Xie Qingcheng verbally, he might have to hurt him physically.

So he thought, let's go.

Xie Qingcheng.

Get outta here.

That feeling of loss of control came racing back, and he was afraid he wouldn't be able to control it.

All he wanted now was to end this conversation as quickly as possible and get rid of Xie Qingcheng.

He Yu pulled the bloodshot eyes, only a knife continued to Xie Qingcheng heart also stabbed into their own hearts. He said, "...... Even if I wasn't a burden to you before, I was later."

"......"

"I know you've been very resistant to me, rejecting me after that incident at the clubhouse, otherwise you wouldn't have not returned a word to me when I asked for help at the time."

Xie Qingcheng was silent.

"You go back, Xie Qingcheng."

"We are both victims of RN-13, and I will accompany you in what needs to be investigated, and this is something that I won't change my actions even if you completely ignore me, so don't worry."

"......"

"You go back. " He Yu said. "I want to sleep a little longer."

Xie Qingcheng raised his eyes, but did not leave, but took a few more steps forward to He Yu s bed.

"I don't want to deny that I did resist you quite a bit once."

Xie Qingcheng eventually opened his mouth, his tone hard and honest, and just because the emotions were so clean, it also carried some calming power, "I remember very clearly what you did in the Empty Night Club."

"But--"

There was a pause, and the conversation turned.

"He Yu, I haven't forgotten what you did in the archives either."

"And I haven't forgotten the reservoir, what choices you made when the water flooded up."

"I also remember that you are the last living mental Ai Bola patient in the country. You are suffering from something I once suffered from and I can't see it anymore as if it's invisible."

"He Yu, I haven't forgotten that you were my patient."

"And I haven't forgotten that you're the one I didn't heal and can no longer be with."

"......"

As He Yu listened to these words, the hardness in his heart went to the extreme for a moment.

Xie Qingcheng listed one by one the reasons why he cared for him again, but still none of them were out of personal feelings.

This is actually more hurtful to He Yu now than "I don't want to care about you".

He Yu really couldn't control it, he felt that his original madness that hadn't been completely subdued was running up again, and his feeling of longing for Xie Qingcheng to the point of wanting to die with the other party and be reduced to pieces started to rekindle again.

He turned his face away suddenly, his hands shaking slightly, his eyes reddening.

He's a precursor to a second attack, a particularly dangerous condition that he's trying to hide, but he can't hide it anymore.

He gritted his teeth and whispered, "You go ...... now!!!"

All of his antics fall into Xie Qingcheng's eyes.

Xie Qingcheng of course could not let him lose control of himself and walk away, instead he stared at the other party closely and asked him, "He Yu, what's on your mind can't you just say it? You already know how serious your situation is, why are you still suppressing yourself like this?!"

"I don't have anything on my mind! Don't you push me, okay!"

He Yu's situation was getting out of control, he didn't know it himself, but Xie Qingcheng could see that his eyes were getting redder and redder, as if even his pupils had become the color of blood.

"You don't understand me at all Xie Qingcheng, you don't understand at all ...... When I have an attack in the future, you'd better just pretend that you didn't see it, understand? I don't want to see you! I see you will only make me more disturbed! Go back! You give me back! You get out!!!"

"...... I don't care about you, you crash and injure yourself. I leave you alone, and you think I'm haunted." Xie Qingcheng stared him dead in the face, "I just fucking want to know what the reason was and why you had to do it?!"

"No." He Yu said with a white face, "There is no reason."

It couldn't be more obviously uncooperative.

"......" Xie Qingcheng was silent for a long time, and even someone of his character had some fire rubbing slightly in his heart.

"He Yu, this incident is about me. Your fall, your seizure, your emotional outburst, all have to do with me."

"I want to know why, because it's not just you."

"......"

He Yu felt the beast in his heart banging on the door, shaking his chest and buzzing in his ears.

Xie Qingcheng is pushing him.

He couldn't find any more excuses to put him off, he just wanted him to leave immediately.

He was about to break down, and he once again told Xie Qingcheng, "I don t want to say ...... you go. Count on me to beg you to stop asking."

"You let me go okay Xie Qingcheng?You let me go okay ......"

There you go.

Do not compel me again to shed my painted skin and meet you in my hideous true form.

There you go.

Stop begging for an answer and then scolding me for berating me and thinking I'm crazy when you know that answer.

There you go.

You ...... go ......

In the midst of such tearing and tangling, He Yu's condition is getting worse and worse.

Xie Qingcheng looked at his trembling fingers, at his disheveled hair, and at his confused eyes.

Xie Qingcheng suddenly felt as if his heart had been pricked by a needle, which swam to that part of his heart that belonged to He Yu and began to pierce him, making him reproach himself, suffocating him, and making him bleed.

It showed him his cruelty, his failure.

A dismal scene, in the midst of a silence.

Xie Qingcheng closed his eyes and finally said hoarsely, "...... good ......"

"If you really don't want to talk about it, then, I won't ask."

"I will not force you. No more forcing you."

"But He Yu ...... I'm walking out of this door today, and I don't think we'll ever, ever have to see each other again, okay?"

He Yu suddenly stiffened.

Xie Qingcheng's eyes reddened as he opened them, "It's not a matter of resenting you or loathing you for anything. Rather, both as a doctor and as me personally, I feel that the handling of my relationship with you is really a mess."

"The person at fault for getting to this point between the two of us is really me, because I'm thirteen years falsely older than you, I'm completely the older one in the relationship, the dominant one, and I'm going to have to shoulder the largest portion of the responsibility for you, and unfortunately I haven't been able to steer you down the path that I initially hoped to take you down."

Xie Qingcheng paused, "Once I said that I spent seven years on you, and you ended up like this, making me feel like all seven years were fed to the dogs. I said at that time that I was very disappointed in you."

"But today I want to tell you ...... that the kind of disappointment I feel is not just for you, but for myself."

"He Yu, I feel like I'm failing miserably."

He Yu: "......"

"The same mental Ai Bola patients, Qin Ciyan saved me, but I couldn't save you, and I still don't know what went wrong."

"Maybe I shouldn't have seen you again after you returned home. Maybe I misjudged your illness in the first place and shouldn't have felt comfortable letting you go on your own. Or maybe I didn't make the right judgment from the beginning, and I shouldn't have agreed to your parents' request to stay at your house to take care of you."

As he spoke, both of them were silent for a while. Both seemed to be thinking back to those old times.

Xie Qingcheng : "I'd love to know where I went wrong myself, and I think you know that answer in your heart."

"But you wouldn't tell me."

"Even if you are already so sick. You don't want to open up to me and complain to me anymore. I'm the one who made it impossible for a sick person to tell me the truth." He looked at him quietly, "And my presence, my very presence, even aggravates your condition."

"He Yu ...... I used to be a doctor, I used to be your doctor, and I think I totally screwed that up. I couldn't be the medicine that could save lives like Qin Ciyan, but I ended up being the patient's injury instead."

Xie Qingcheng said these words while sitting on the edge of He Yu's bed, without looking at He Yu, who seemed to be tired of confronting the teenager.

His ink-like eyelashes were hanging down, and his expression was cool, very calm, very calmly saying these thoughts that he would not have said to He Yu in the past.

"I did fail miserably."

"......"

"I'm sorry, He Yu, you met me, not a doctor like Old Qin."

"I was never able to be like him."

"...... I can't change anything. I didn't save you either."

As he spoke, he paused for a moment and looked at He Yu's face, but it was as if he saw through He Yu, the young dragon he first met twelve years ago.

Xie Qingcheng's voice was low and tired, with a sigh that had nothing to hide.

"When I met you that year, you were just a child ...... When I think about it, it was actually me who kept you from meeting a good companion. It was me who didn't do a good job as a qualified elder."

"Kid, all these years, I'm sorry."

Inside the bedroom, there was a long silence.

It's over. ......

Since there was no way to solve the problems that existed between them, continuing like this was just a step in the wrong direction.

It's time to end it.

Xie Qingcheng said all the words he wanted to say, got up, closed his slightly red eyes, and finally left as He Yu wished.

Snap.

Instead, his hand was suddenly held.

The teenager clutched his wrist, his fingers trembling slightly, and after a while, a drop of warm water fell on the back of Xie Qingcheng's hand, which was clutched tightly by the teenager.

Xie Qingcheng bobbed in fear for a moment and turned back, dropping his gaze onto He Yu.

The young man lowered his head, his scattered frontal hair hanging in front of his eyes, making it impossible to see his eyebrows, but Xie Qingcheng knew that He Yu was crying.

Then before he could look back, he was tugged by He Yu to sit down again, and then the teenager's hand lifted and suddenly took the back of his head, and while shedding a tear, he heaved it up -

He kissed his slightly cool lips.

He Yu's lips were trembling slightly, crying and trying to hold on, but he couldn't hold on any longer.

His heart seemed to have been pierced through a hole by Xie Qingcheng's heartfelt words just now, and the embankment of a thousand miles collapsed because of this little crack.

He held him, kissed him, stroked Xie Qingcheng's hair, and then rested his forehead against him, against the man's forehead.

The man who had done all that was in his power was cornered and told the truth - he said, "I'm sorry, kiddo, I feel like a huge failure.

"Xie Qingcheng ...... you don't have to ...... you don't have to feel this way about yourself ......" He Yu choked out, doing his best to suppress the trembling in his voice, doing his best not to let Xie Qingcheng feel his already fractured heart city.

He rested his forehead against his, eyes downcast, and whispered, "You don't have to feel defeated about yourself, Dr. Shea. You've done nothing wrong. You've never done anything wrong."

"Don't you tell me you're sorry ...... I'm keeping this from you ...... I'm not telling you anything, not because you're a failed doctor ...... but ......"

"Rather ......"

Tears fell one by one, and He Yu's voice broke. He paused for a while, and then, as if using all his strength, he stuttered and trembled, and the words that he meant were finally forced out of his mouth---

"But because I love you!"

"......!!!"

"Yes. Xie Qingcheng ......" He Yu's shoulders trembled and tears fell like rain, "I love you ...... This is all because I love you... ...I'm fucking in love with you, I'm fucking in love with you, do you understand? Do you understand?!"

It's too painful to take all these words, knowing they can't possibly be answered, and to dig them out of the rubble of a broken heart and hold them naked in order to appease the person in front of me.

Even knowing that it would be met with categorical rejection, disgust, and even ridicule.

But he finally offered these words along with the young man's hot blood along with the young man's hot tears, only hoping to warm up a little bit of this man's cold lips and palms.

He Yu hugged him and finally sobbed, "Because I like you ah Xie Qingcheng, I like you, I am really in love with you, I want to be with you, I want to kiss you, hug you, want you, I want to do all the things ...... that you can not accept to you is it selfish? But I can't control it. I can't control it no matter how much I control it."

"There's no way I can't think about you ......"

"Xie Qingcheng, Dr. Xie."

"Don't you think I'm sick. Don't you think I'm lying, I really do love you. I'm also really trying not to love you, that's why I get annoyed and mad and out of control when I see you. Don't blame yourself ...... Don't feel bad ...... You never did anything wrong, I was the one who was wrong ...... It's my fault... ...it's me who has to break my head and moth the light ......"

The boy said, gradually losing his voice, his arms wrapped tightly around the man in his arms who had stiffened from extreme shock.

He cried red eyes, hoarse, "I know ...... I know you don't like me ...... I also feel humiliated, I also feel very hurt self-esteem, I also feel this is not right, but I still love you. "

"I tried to quit it, but I didn't make it."

"I still can't do it even now-you laugh at me. Xie Qingcheng, you laugh at me."

"Because I'm truly insane, and I'm going to walk a black line to the end when I fucking know it's going to end. So fucked up and bruised, and would still want to hug you."

"I ...... I have nothing to show for my merits ...... and yet I dare to like you."

"But I just can't help but like you. Xie Qingcheng."

"I am hopelessly going to like you ......"

"I'm in the mud and dust and I still love the snow in the sky ...... I did it wrong, not you ......"

"I'm sorry ...... for not being good enough and still loving you ......"

"It hurts to love you ...... Xie Qingcheng ...... It hurts to love you ...... I can't get... ...I know I have to let go ...... but I'm still ...... still loving you day by day ......"

He Yu hugged him, every word so true, yet trembling so much.

He cried and dug out his thousand favorite holes and finally held them up to him, inferior, proud, cramped, determined - held them up to him.

Look at that nakedness, a heart that belongs to a teenager.

Look at the depths of that sickness, a heart that belongs to He Yu.

He Yu choked:

"Xie Qingcheng, what to do. Save me. ......... You save me. ...... There's no way I can change anymore. ...... I can't walk away anymore... ... Xie Qingcheng ...... I'm sorry ......"

"I am really ...... really ...... really really ......" The eloquent man stammered out of shape.

Swimmers are so clumsy that they don't know what to say.

He cried his eyes red, dug out his heart, and dissected his soul to give his only precious thing to his brother Xie, Dr. Xie, Xie Qingcheng.

He wailed, "Brother ......"

"I really ...... really love you so much!"

Knowing that, embracing him like embracing snow, kissing him like kissing frost, loving him like drinking a hemlock wine, and not being able to seek to the broken heart.

And yet, still obsessed, to love.

......

Xie Qingcheng, it hurts to love you.

I know. I know all about it.

But ...... But I'm a whole person, I'm a whole heart ......

And yet, still, not a moment passes by without--

Love you.