Why I'm Crazy

He Jiwei's first words, after he had quieted down, were with a sigh, "If only that picture by your bedside was still there."

"I don't know how much you remember of that picture anymore, it's one of the few photos of your mother as a young woman. When you were four she still looked vaguely like a teenager, unlike now ......"

"She doesn't like to see herself as she was before she got married, and she's gotten rid of almost all of our old family photos. But you should know from that picture that she was very pretty in her twenties - although she has lost some of her shape in that picture, but she still has that handsome profile between her eyes."

When He Jiwei said this, there was some deep emotion in his eyes, but it was from the past, to the love of his life, just like an old photo, which was already slightly yellowed.

He closed his eyes for a moment, sighed, reopened them, looked at the carpet, and continued the narrative in a low voice.

"I don't know if you've ever wondered why your mother is the way she is. Business engagements, business dealings - they're draining, and can take a lot of people from being poised, to being fat. But that's not absolute, at least if you look at the years, and I haven't gotten much better."

"When I first met her, she was wearing a long red dress, smiling innocently, that was really pretty, with a pair of almond eyes that were clear and bright, just like yours. She was also very kind, not so competitive, and loved nothing more than raising cats and dogs, planting flowers and vegetables, and reading books-anyone who saw her then would have loved her from the bottom of their heart. She and now ......" He Jiwei Contemptuous sighing meaning heavier, raised his hand, together, fingertips touching the heart of the eyebrow, "really is very different."

"There were a lot of guys after her back then, but she ended up choosing me, and not long after we got married, she had you."

"......"

"But the good times don't last."

"Our family's main business is biopharmaceuticals, as you know. Your mom was afraid of my hard work at that time, down the laboratory, staring at the equipment, she will help to do. But I have never known where the problem ...... was which link was a mistake, your mom was pregnant with you when she came into contact with the virus that leaked from the lab. Obviously every gatekeeper is very strict, and there has never been a single mistake in all those years."

Even with his eyes closed, He Jiwei's anguish could be seen in his furrowed brow.

"She was several months pregnant at the time, and our family's private doctor said she'd have to undergo treatment that would surely result in fetal death, and they wanted her to go ahead and be induced. She wouldn't - she wasn't in very good shape, and her doctor had said before she was conceived that she figured it would be very difficult for her to carry a second child, so she held your arrival extra dear, and she didn't think she'd ever have a second child. And for those months she looked forward to your birth every day with infinite anticipation, talking to you more than to me - they wanted you out of her body, they wanted to condemn you to death, and she wouldn't do it."

"Everyone didn't see you as a living human being, just as an embryo, a seed, only she was connected to you in flesh and blood every second because she was carrying you, so she loved you deeply from the time your fetal heart hadn't even differentiated yet, she said you were the best gift God had ever given her, and named you He Yu early on. "

"We persuaded her for a long time, including me, I'm sorry." He Jiwei said, "I admit that I loved her more than you at that time, I did not want anything to happen to her, and I kept pleading with her to be induced, to have no children in the future, or to adopt a child, whatever. I didn't want to lose her."

"But she wouldn't let up. She's someone who seems to be very talkative, but once she's made up her mind, she can't be pulled back by ten oxen. She cried every time that she didn't want to hurt He Yu, she said you were scared, that she could feel it, that she was the only one who could protect you-she thought it was her fault, that she was too negligent, that she caused that infection accident."

The maiden, the woman, the mother, the wife, whose hoarse cries seemed as if they were still ringing in the ears--

"Don't kill him ...... I can feel him ...... That's my son ......"

"Don't touch him ...... can you not touch him ...... you guys hurt me, whatever you want, it's my fault, I hurt him, I want him to live... . he's only so small ...... you guys don't kill him okay ......"

It had been a long time since He Jiwei had so carefully recalled the memories that were too painful even for him.

He suppressed it for a few moments before he could recount the past as calmly as he could.

"She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown at that point, and it was hard to imagine what the consequences would have been if she had actually been forcibly induced, and my prognosis was that she simply couldn't afford it, and that if you died, she would have lost her zest for living along with you. Every mother is different, she's one of those women who is exceptionally maternal and she can't accept that because of her mistake, you die." He Jiwei says, "Not to mention the fact that she will most likely never be a mom again."

"She was in tears all day long, people thin off the shape, anxiety and fear make her mental state have some abnormalities, not to mention that after she contracted the virus also began to decline in all organs. She ran away from the house a few times ...... she thought we would kill you while she was asleep, she wanted to endure until the nine months of labor, then no one can stop her."

He Jiwei let out another long sigh, "There really is no way ...... for her to continue like this, she will torture herself to death. So after getting her back for the last time, I went to a lab researcher. I asked him if there was anything I could do to fix the damage that virus was doing to her, while still trying to protect you as much as possible, so that you could spend your last month in peace. --They ended up, providing me with a drug."

"RN13."

"It's a cell regeneration drug made in the lab that perfectly repairs damaged cells."

He Yu got angry and thought he was being perfunctory, "How in the world can there be something that can completely repair cells!"

"There. He Yu, calm down. There is." He Jiwei said, "But you're also right, the cellular repair of RN-13 is incomplete, still in the very early stages of research, there's still a long way ahead. But judging from the later data from the first royal ......"

He Yu viciously, "What's the first royal data?"

"You've seen Resident Evil, remember Red Queen from it?"

"The first emperor is just like RED QUEEN, not a real person. Because there is no human being who can withstand the full treatment of RN-13 without being tortured to death. It is a simulated data that symbolizes a human who has undergone cellular regeneration. And the so-called primordial queen data, which was projected from this, is the ability of humans to heal themselves from various diseases under such circumstances."

"I can't explain too much about the specifics to you, but RN-13 was our best hope at the time. So even though it was dangerous, hadn't been tested on humans, and was a completely banned drug, we used it. It was the only crack of all the worst possibilities that might get a double whammy."

"...... I admit I was hasty at that time." He Jiwei said, "But I had no choice. With pregnancy anxiety, paranoia, and depression ...... stacked on top of each other, her mental state was total chaos, and rather than watch her torture herself to death ...... then I'd rather take a gamble."

The curtains fluttered and swayed gently, also as if saying a sigh of relief at the events of yesterday.

"As it turned out, RN13 did overcome the virus in her body, regenerating her damaged cells at an alarming rate. She calmed down and eventually gave birth to you."

"But RN13 is destined to be an immature drug, it is too ambitious, the proposition of cell regeneration, the ultimate challenge issued to human diseases, is simply impossible to realize with the current medical technology, the first emperor is just a perfect vision. The drug does have a strong restorative effect, even failing organs can be reversed so that patients can be saved. However, its side effects have also revealed themselves in you and your mother."

"All this happened inevitably, despite the very small doses and careful usage given to you by the pharmacists of the time."

"Your mom's hormone production started to become abnormal, and her appearance started to become ...... less good looking." He Jiwei seems, until today, to have a hard time applying the word ugly to his wife, even though it's a plainly visible fact.

But he couldn't say it.

That was his wife, the girl who chose him out of many admirers, and he could still remember her at her most beautiful.

He Jiwei trudged on, "The body is starting to lose its shape too ...... You barely had a shadow of your past when you were four, unlike now."

Anyone who looks at it looks like a greedy, fat spider.

It is actually a very cruel and painful thing for a beauty to lose her luscious looks in the prime of her life.

Lv Zhishu didn't realize it at first, but slowly she felt it - a kind of "organ failure" in terms of social status.

A pretty face can bring infinite kindness and convenience.

She had grown up used to receiving the envious, adoring, admiring stares.

People were always friendly to her, and she had no idea what it was like to belong to another kind of woman in the world.

She was initially so caught up in the joy of motherhood that she didn't take into account the fact that she was gradually looking like a piece of melted ice-cream in the mirror. But then ......

"Sorry, this seat is taken."

"No, no accommodations."

"Auntie, this dress is too small for you, why don't I get you another one that fits you better?"

She walks in society and suddenly everything becomes so foreign. No one was eager to please her anymore, males didn't blush in favor of talking to her, she was called Big Momma, and pretty little girls laughed behind her back at her demented, flabby body.

She was terrified, like a cat with its whiskers cut off, and didn't even know how to take a step.

More heartbreaking still was the shocked look that every old acquaintance gave her when they first saw her now - hidden or not, it was so sharp it stabbed her in the blood.

She was getting depressed, throwing tantrums and breaking things ......

One day He Jiwei came home to find that she had built a fire in the yard, and the servants stood by in disbelief as they watched her burn all the clothes, shoes, and photographs ...... of her when she was a girl.

She smiled back, some sagging cheeks shaking off some hideous pleasure.

-She has nothing to do with the past.

She's the one who came out of the cocoon, the mutant.

"Your mom has changed." He Jiwei said, "slowly, become more and more powerful ...... not to mention you, even I, some times can not recognize that is actually her."

"She loves you, but she's too afraid to see her past in you-to remind her of those, days she can never go back to. She's been doing her best to forget those things herself."

"She no longer likes cats and dogs, and raising flowers and gardening; she has even become absolutely independent from me, and she has gone into business on her own, and made money, and when she has got that position in society she can remember vaguely from the deference of others the kind of tenderness with which everybody treated her when she was young and beautiful."

He Jiwei's voice was more or less tinged with sadness, "He Yu, she's actually really pitiful."

"...... You shouldn't blame her too much. She wasn't able to face you properly, and even I felt extraordinarily guilty, more often than not, for taking care of her mind."

"It's not that she only likes He Li, it's just that He Li is more like her now, and she can do without the memory of a time that was so black and dark for her."

"Your illness ...... is also caused by RN13 and she has always felt guilty. Every time you had an attack, it was also a torture for her. Until now she still lives in that pain from time to time, she sometimes falls asleep and I still hear her talking ......"

He Jiwei paused.

I don't know if it was the light in the room, but his eyes looked as if they were a little moist.

He Yu numbly listened for a long time, and only then asked softly, "...... What did she say?"

He Jiwei hung his head like a puppet whose strings had been cut.

"She said it was her fault."

--

The woman murmured in her sleep:

"It's mom's fault."

"It's Mommy who didn't protect you."

"......"

He Jiwei's voice was a little muffled, and he cleared his throat, but it was still muffled, "...... When she finished, she laughed again in her dream, laughed a little like a madman ...... I don't think that over the years she ever really got over that past."

"Especially after she gave birth to He Li, she realized that she could still conceive a second child, and I don't know if she ever had any regrets in her heart, but she did become more assertive, and a lot of the time even I wasn't able to communicate with her properly, and it seemed like she was no longer willing to trust anyone but herself."

"Your mom's inner thoughts are not fully known to anyone anymore. But He Yu, I can be sure of that." He Jiwei turned his head to look at the teenager who was always lying on the bed, listening to the whole thing almost without a word.

"...... She used to love you with her life."

"......"

"Even if ...... even if she has become completely different now ...... I think that in her innermost depths, she should still retain a love for you that is the same as it was in the beginning."

It's not the light, He Jiwei's eyes are really red.

For the first time in all those years, he had also shown that painful scar stripped away to a person, in its entirety.

"So anyway ...... I think ...... you should ...... more or less ...... still have that little bit of goodwill towards her ...... At the time when she wanted to care for you again, she was going to step on the tip of the knife of the past and come towards you. He Yu, for the sake of the fact that she was once the only one who wanted you to live even if she didn't want her life."

He Jiwei's voice lowered a bit more, "Can you be nice to her ......"

He Yu did not speak.

After a long time, He Jiwei seemed to see a drop of water dripping under the arm that He Yu had been covering his face with, and I don't know whether it was his illusion or not, but the drop of water soon dripped into his sideburns and disappeared.

And He Yu rolled over, no longer lying on his back, but with his back to him.

"You go out." He said softly, "I want to be alone for a while. Okay?"

-

RN13, the drug, is responsible for the mental Ai Bola disorder.

When He Jiwei used it, he was in a state of emergency, plus the foreign pharmaceutical company he worked with was not so formal, and the drug seemed to have been brought from a scientific research institution in the United States, so they could not have told him all the secrets. Therefore, He Jiwei did not fully understand that RN13 might cause mental stimulation to the recipients.

By the time he realized that there had been some documented human subjects with similar diseases ahead of him, it was too late.

Lv Zhishu did not suffer from the disease, but her temperament changed abruptly, and her appearance was not much different from that of a psychiatric patient. He Yu was not so lucky, and he became case number 4 of the Ai Bola syndrome.

When He Jiwei found out about his son's symptoms, he confronted the foreign pharmaceutical company, but the company's internal changes had resulted in a change of ownership, the original owner was brutally murdered, and the new president knew very little about it and did not want to help.

Later, He Jiwei had no further cooperation or contact with the foreign pharmaceutical company.

But the fait accompli is still unchangeable.

He Yu lay on the bed for a long time, because the heavy curtains were drawn, it was difficult to distinguish between morning and evening, only the sound of the pendulum clock, always echoing in this quiet bedroom.

Tick-tock, tick-tock.

I don't know how long it took He Yu to get up, but he walked over to the bookcase and pulled an old photograph out of a well-worn copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude.

The photograph of Yellowstone's geysers, taken on the only trip he and his parents ever took as a trio, shows him small, held in the arms of young He Jiwei, next to a medium-sized woman with vague traces of beauty, smiling, black curls falling over her shoulders, wearing a black lace dress and a fisherman's hat, snuggled up next to her husband.

He rubbed the face of the woman in the photograph--

After a long, long time, He Yu slowly closed his eyes.

Day two.

Lv Zhishu was preparing breakfast himself in the western kitchen when he saw He Yu come downstairs to the dining table in an unprecedented manner.

He Jiwei still retains the old habit of reading a whole newspaper in the early morning while drinking his morning tea, even though it's not the age of paper anymore.

"Up so early?" He Jiwei lifted his eyes from the newspaper.

Lv Zhishu heard the sound of movement, turned back to see their own pleasing so long no response son actually willing to eat breakfast with them today, a moment even the pan did not hold steady, almost fell to the ground.

Even though He Yu's demeanor was still light, she felt that this was great progress.

"What does He Yu want? Coffee? Tea?"

He Yu calmly: "Both, thank you."

Over a breakfast, Lv Zhishu could keenly pick up on the signals He Yu was releasing-that three feet of ice was not a day's worth of cold, and that he couldn't get too close to them.

But he's at least not building up his defenses high anymore.

He's trying to make contact with them.

Lv Zhishu was thus encouraged.

"He Yu Ah ......"

"Hmm?"

"Mom found a new doctor for you, he is also young and easy to communicate with you, you are not in good shape these days, you think otherwise, let him come and give you a look."

"......"

New doc? ......

He Yu somehow thought of Xie Qingcheng, who came to his house for the first time that year, holding a bouquet of hydrangeas.

He closed his eyes and was silent for a long time.

Finally three words exited with a light snap, "All as you wish."