Chapter 32: Let go of your fantasies

Ye Yao returns to his house.

Without someone to talk to, the room was silent. Ye Yao dropped his dark eyelashes and sat down to make himself a cup of tea.

The aroma of tea is elegant, and Ye Yao smells the tea to freshen up his mood.

It's all over.

Lu Xun's departure was within his expectation, he had been friends with Lu Xun for so many years, he already knew Lu Xun's minefield, and knew the consequences of saying that.

The moment he fell in love with Lu Xun, the gap between them was doomed.

The heat of the tea rises slowly, drifting into Ye Yao's dark eyes, and Ye Yao blinks, suppressing the wetness underneath.

The heart was heavy, but at the same time, there was a sense of relief when the dust had settled.

He doesn't have to rack his brain to alienate Lu Xun, he doesn't have to tread the tightrope of caution, and he doesn't have to worry about a thunderstorm.

Before entering the examination hall for the college entrance exam, he told himself that he didn't need to be too nervous when he encountered questions he couldn't do because he did his best to study, so he didn't need to be too remorseful and frustrated even if he failed.

And now, he had done his best to preserve his friendship with Lu Xun.

Ye Yao drank his tea.

Go to sleep, tomorrow it's a new day and the sun will rise as usual.

*

Lu Xun's mind was almost blank as he ran out, with only Ye Yao's words drifting back and forth.

I like to be the one down there, I like to be the one down there, I like to be the one down there.

The power of these words at this moment is stronger than the incantation of the Tang Sanzang, and they continue to circulate until Lu Xun comes downstairs, and is blown all over by the chilly spring wind, and then suddenly comes to his senses.

At that time in the room, Ye Yao said the words just as the blonde protagonist on his cell phone made a talking sound. In that moment ...... he admitted he subbed in.

Ye Yao was wearing soft beige pajamas, his cheeks slightly red from being warm enough under the covers. Ye Yao looked at him and smiled, reaching out and touching his cheek.

Lu Xun hadn't really had his face touched by Ye Yao, after all, this part of his body wouldn't be touched casually in everyday life, but rather Ye Yao was a very decent person. But he just imagined it, and his whole scalp tingled.

Such Ye Yao ...... is too different from the usual.

How can he fantasize about Ye Yao like that? What's the difference between thinking about Ye Yao like that and insulting Ye Yao for wanting a man?

Once upon a time he was most fed up with people thinking that way Ye Yao, and now he had actually become that way.

This undeserved imagery prompted Lu Xun to run away and not meet Ye Yao face-to-face.

Now Lu Xun walked downstairs, circling around the building again and again. He was full of energy and still didn't feel tired at all after walking a few laps at a super fast pace, instead some kind of fire was burning inside him and his mind was a mess.

Ye Yao, being gay, prefers to be below, not above as he subconsciously assumes.

What to do?

Ye Yao is not what he thinks he is. How could it be different? It's actually different!

Lu Xun woke up with a start after walking downstairs for I don't know how many laps.

If he left Ye Yao behind without saying a word, would Ye Yao misunderstand and think that he was disgusted by him and despised him down there?

Cold sweat broke out on Lu Xun's back as he took the elevator at a rapid pace and went back up to the floor where he lived, took a deep breath when he arrived in front of the door, straightened his clothes, and opened the door carefully.

The house is quiet, and Ye Yao is not inside.

Lu Xun lost his mind as he went inside and picked up his cell phone and looked at it, Ye Yao hadn't sent him a message during the time he had been gone, saying that he had gone back first or anything like that.

His cell phone is full of spam text messages pushed by various apps, and there is not a single message or phone call that Ye Yao might have sent him.

...... is not good.

Thinking that Ye Yao might be angry, Lu Xun hurriedly clicked on the chat box with Ye Yao. But with his fingers on the keyboard, Lu Xun realized he didn't know what to say.

How is he going to explain this to Ye Yao?

Running out wasn't because of nausea, it was because he was fantasizing about some weird scenario?

Lu Xun failed to organize his language, and finally picked a very cute emoticon to send over after half a day of selection.

A small, round-headed shark pokes its half-head out from behind the wall, with the accompanying text: [Are there any cuties at home?

Lu Xun waited for a while, but did not wait for Ye Yao's reply.

Lu Xun frowned as he walked around the house a few more times and finally went out to Ye Yao's house door.

He had been downstairs and hadn't seen Ye Yao go out, so Ye Yao must be in the house, and if he knocked on the door, he should be able to get Ye Yao out.

Lu Xun raises his hand to knock, then pauses.

And when Ye Yao comes out, what's he gonna say?

Lu Xun's mind was a mess, the shock he received today was too much, from Ye Yao staying away from him not because she hated him, but because she liked men. From Ye Yao's confession to him that he was below, to his sinful fantasies about Ye Yao, wave after wave of impact on his various perceptions and concepts.

If you can't explain it to Ye Yao now, it will cause more trouble.

Lu Xun didn't end up knocking down the door, he slowly turned around and went back inside, sitting on the couch and thinking.

He needed someone to help him sort out his thoughts.

Lu Xun opens his cell phone and finds his doggie master.

Because he didn't know if the dog-head master was still blocking him, Lu Xun made a direct call.

After waiting for some time, the call was answered.

Lu Ming's side was noisy in the background, Lu Ming picked up and said, "Hello? I'm at a concert, I'll call you later."

"I have emotional questions to ask you." Lu Xun said.

"I'm analyzing your feelings at a rock concert?" Lu Ming was incredulous, "Is that what this occasion is for? I'll call you after the concert."

"Your previous guess was right," Lu Xun said, "Ye Yao is indeed bent, and he told me that he's been bent since he went to college."

Lu Ming, frantic, looked around and withdrew from the viewing gallery.

Analyzing relationship issues at a rock concert is a true punk act! It's so artistic!

Although he now knows that Ye Yao is crooked, Lu Ming has no intention of persuading him to stay away from Lu Xun, whose pink sweater is still in his mind, and is still impacting his worldview.

Lu Ming said to Lu Xun as he walked outside to a quieter place, "Isn't it good for you that he's bent?"

Lu Xun isn't very straight anyway.

Lu Xun called and wanted him to analyze what, how two men can be more sweet in love?

"What just happens." Lu Xun frowned tightly, "How is him bending just right for me."

Lu Ming: "......"

Lu Ming, the gay connoisseur, finally couldn't help but show a look like he ate shit.

What does that mean? Jesus Christ, Lu Xun doesn't still think he's a straight man!

"So, you're a straight guy, and you realize he's bent, but you still want to be friends with him, you just don't know how to get along?"

"Pretty much." Lu Xun said, "What else, find out he's crooked and I walk out? A relationship of several years is just broken? I'm not that extreme."

Lu Ming : "...... you fart."

"In the past, that hairy kid of yours who likes you cried and told you that you grew up together and have known each other for so many years, don't say ignore him, what did you say." Lu Ming mercilessly poked at someone's double standard behavior, "You say you don't talk about human feelings, less give you this set, and you know you for a hundred years are useless, heh."

Lu Xun was disgruntled: "How can he possibly compare to Ye Yao."

Lu Ming : "...... line, you can say whatever you like."

"And there's no reason why a straight man can't be friends with a gay man." Lu Xun added.

Lu Ming spat with an expressionless face, "And you used to say, it's not like you're sick and tangled up with a GAY."

Lu Xun is silent.

Lu Ming is also silent.

Lu Xun has already thought this through and wants to remain friends with Ye Yao, so why did he call to ask him?

There must be something different from what Lu Xun imagined.

Lu Ming thought for a moment, "He confessed to you and you don't know how to respond?"

"No." Lu Xun subconsciously tightened his grip on his cell phone and walked around the room a few more times.

He realized something, and while he was shocked and couldn't make sense of his head because Ye Yao was below, whether Ye Yao was above or below was entirely Ye Yao's privacy, and he shouldn't tell anyone without Ye Yao's permission.

He didn't tell Lu Ming the reason, and Lu Ming couldn't help him out.

Never mind, it's better for him to analyze it himself.

Lu Xun casually said a few words and was about to hang up the phone, when Lu Ming on the other end of the line called him back.

"I don't know about you, but if you're still friends with him and are still getting along in the old pattern, then I'd advise against it." Lu Ming said seriously.

Lu Xun stopped hanging up the phone.

"Even if he doesn't like you now, can you continue to knit like you used to, take him everywhere, and hold hands while you walk? Forget it, it was fine when you both were straight, now he's bent and you're saying you're straight, what are you going to do in case he's hooked on you?"

Lu Xun's pupils shrunk slightly.

If ...... Ye Yao likes him?

His head felt like it was about to explode, his blood boiled like it was sprinting at one hundred and eighty mph, a subconscious nervousness that made Lu Xun's heart pound.

Lu Ming couldn't see Lu Xun's expression on the other end of the phone, so he continued, "Should we break up with him and go back to the bridge, or should we continue to get along with him as usual, but just not accept him and just be friends with him?"

Lu Xun can't accept either option.

Separate, that's absolutely impossible, unless he dies.

Ignoring Ye Yao's feelings and continuing to be his friend, how sad would Ye Yao feel? How can such a person be Ye Yao's friend?

Lu Ming concluded, "If you don't want this to happen, I urge you to keep a distance from him and think about whether you can handle the consequences of this before you approach each time."

After saying his words, Lu Ming hung up the phone and hummed disdainfully.

Lu Xun actually says he's straight. Cut.

He's no longer the fool he used to be who would be easily duped by Lu Xun.

Lu Xun is straight. He takes his head off and kicks it like a soccer ball!

Two gay men who hold hands every day, it's better to get together quickly! You really think you're straight if you don't get excited?

----

Lu Xun started going around the house again.

Unspoken emotions filled his body, making him unable to stop at all.

What will become of his relationship with Ye Yao ......?

In twenty years of life, Lu Xun has never doubted his sexuality, much less that he's not straight.

He could never accept kissing a man, the slightest thought of it made him sick to his stomach.

But if instead Ye Yao ......

Lu Xun subconsciously swallowed his saliva.

Before that, he never imagined images that were disrespectful to Ye Yao, and even when they rubbed together, he would deliberately keep his eyes away from the parts that embarrassed Ye Yao.

But if you replace the kiss with Ye Yao, it doesn't seem gross.

After all, it was Ye Yao, and wherever it was smelled good to him.

What would Ye Yao's lips taste like?

Lu Xun speeds around the house.

Ye Yao explicitly told him about the bottom.

Lu Xun couldn't refrain from seeing that image in his mind once again.

Ye Yao, in his beige pajamas, reached out and touched his face.

......

Is he going to keep Ye Yao at arm's length?

Because he's straight, he should keep the right distance, Ye Yao won't have the possibility to fall for him, and he'll be able to keep his friendship with Ye Yao for a long time, and become the right kind of friend who won't cross the line?

----

Ye Yao woke up the next day and saw the emoticon Lu Xun had sent him.

Ye Yao rubbed his eyes and looked again, realizing it wasn't a hallucination.

Judging by the time the emoticon sent it, Lu Xun's back pretty early?

Lu Xun's receptiveness was beyond Ye Yao's expectations, and Ye Yao frowned for a long time without replying.

His confession last night pushed Lu Xun's limits of acceptance and sent the disgustingly homophobic Lu Xun running for the hills. Maybe Lu Xun made the judgment that he's still the more important person this night, but I'm afraid the discomfort in the heart of Lu Xun, who is extremely homophobic, won't go away.

Letting it fade away ...... is probably best.

Ye Yao began a new day of tutoring, a day in which he did not see Lu Xun.

Ye Yao wasn't surprised, in fact, Lu Xun and he kept their current relationship, saying hello when they met and not being too clingy, was the best distance he wanted to achieve, but he didn't expect it to happen by accident.

On second thought, it's a good thing he and Lu Xun can still be friends.

Ye Yao finishes the day's tutoring, and at the end of the evening tutoring, he and Wang Xue go out together.

Wang Xue was going home from class, while he was getting ready to take the bus back to the dormitory.

Wang Xue walked while talking to Ye Yao, "Brother Yao, it's not that I'm blowing smoke up your ass, if you and I get along, you can do whatever job you want, you don't have to run around and toil for a living, you just need to do what you like. How wonderful, this kind of condition can't be given by ordinary people."

"Study hard, don't get distracted by this kind of--" Ye Yao opened the door to the house, his words coming to an abrupt halt in mid-sentence.

A figure familiar to him crouched in the hallway between the outside door of his house and the elevator.

The silhouette, with long arms and legs and a face of spirited debauchery, was now crouching resignedly outside his doorway, wondering what he was thinking.

Lu Xun quickly stood up and straightened his clothes after seeing Ye Yao, he took one look at Ye Yao's face and then quickly moved his eyes away to focus on Ye Yao's clothes.

"Back to school together?" Lu Xun asked in a muffled voice.

Ye Yao couldn't believe it, "You waited for me here?"

He thought they're on gentlemanly terms now, but Lu Xun is still waiting for him to go back to school with him?

"Brother Yao, who is this person?" Wang Xue uttered alertly.

"...... my friend." Ye Yao said.

Lu Xun grunted, inexplicably offended.

Friends, their relationship, a simple friend and that's the end of it?

And this high schooler, what was his name, Yao, a name that this damn high schooler could call himself? What a heart, both calling Ye Yao by his more affectionate first name instead of his last name, and adding an honorific after his first name to make Ye Yao happy.

Lu Xun was planning to take this time to think about what he should do next, and what kind of distance between him and Ye Yao would be best.

Until he could fully think it through, he wanted to maintain a state of mutual respect where he could do the least amount of wrong, so as not to hurt Ye Yao later.

But I didn't expect that he was going to break his defense in one shot!

Why is the distance between this damn male high school student and Ye Yao closer than the distance between him and Ye Yao? Isn't this guy just an ordinary remedial student!

Lu Xun took a big stride forward as he looked at Ye Yao's backpack, wondering if he should just snatch it up and carry it on his back like he did before.

Lu Xun held back, but still chose to be polite first: "You have too much stuff, shall I help you carry some?"

Ye Yao shook his head, "No, let's go."

Lu Xun was rejected and followed Ye Yao into the elevator with a blank face.

The walls of the elevator were so bright that they could be used as mirrors, and Lu Xun saw Ye Yao's hand hanging down next to his, so that he could hold it if he lifted his hand a little.

Lu Xun's fingertips itched as he clenched his hand into a fist, lest his hand take advantage of his inattention and hold Ye Yao against his will, which would be a bad thing.

But he hadn't been able to get up close and personal with Ye Yao for a long time.

Ye Yao didn't touch him either.

Ye Yao certainly wouldn't touch him.

Ye Yao must be pissed off after what he did last night.

Lu Xun's mood was one of extreme boredom, and he clenched and unclenched his hand, and clenched it again.

Lu Xun struggled to hold on, waiting to get into a cab to return to the school, and hastily apologized as he and Ye Yao walked alone on the campus path.

"I ...... am sorry about last night, I shouldn't have run off like that." Lu Xun says, "You can punish me and scold me all you want."

Ye Yao didn't even react to what Lu Xun was saying for a moment, and when he remembered, he cried and laughed and said, "I'm not angry, you ran quite well."

If Lu Xun doesn't run away, it will be troublesome to follow up, he can't continue to stick with Lu Xun.

I'm sure Lu Xun has already figured it out, and this is just the right distance to get along now.

Lu Xun was a bit puzzled, but seeing that Ye Yao didn't look angry, he put his heart down a bit.

The leaves rustled in the evening breeze.

In the past, when he and Ye Yao walked along the campus path, either he would put his arm around Ye Yao's shoulder or he would hold her hand.

But now he can't do anything.

It's so hard. It's hard to feel empty inside.

He craved any bit of contact with Ye Yao ...... as long as it was close.

With the way things were going, the only time he could be intimate with Ye Yao was probably when he slept in the dormitory.

Although he could no longer sleep in the same bed, at least he could still sleep head to head with Ye Yao, and he could watch Ye Yao's sleeping silhouette in the dark.

It's the only manna left to sustain him.

----

After returning to the dormitory and washing up, Lu Xun crawled into bed exhausted.

Soon, soon to be head to head with Ye Yao ......

Crawling into bed, Lu Xun saw something that made him stop breathing--Ye Yao had moved his pillow to the other side of the bed and was now reading a book far away from him.

"What are you doing?" Lu Xun lost his voice in shock.

"Huh?" Hearing the voice, Ye Yao averted his gaze from the book, "I didn't do anything? Just switched the pillows around."

Ye Yao looked at Lu Xun's suddenly gloomy face and was silent for a moment, then said, "Do you still think I'll sleep like before? Things have been said so openly, give up illusions you shouldn't have, Lu Xun."